This post won't be long.
Not enough hours in the day.
Our family has moved. And now we live on the other side of Portland. In a whole new state!
The girls finally have a room for themselves. Their bunkbed holding their beings while they sleep. A place to keep their toys that isn't my living room.
And I (along with PapaBear) Have my own room. And private bathroom. <3
it is blissfull to have my own space. Away from my kids, and their toys, and their mess. My own private sanctuary of snuggly bed and mirrored closet doors ;}
BIL of course moved with us, and still has his own room.
But now we all have our own spaces. And it is lovely.
We are still unpacking. Slowly. Very slowly. It isn't easy to unpack a whole home while parenting, and being couch locked in pain and fatigue all the time. Damn chronic illness!
We are taking life one day at a time, and trying to find our rhythm here.
We are MUCH closer to a bunch of my mama friends, and their kids who happen to be Bean's and Bug's besties. And we are only a 3 minute drive from PapaBear's job.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
the joys of spiders
spiders are ASSHOLES! i got bit by a spider thursday morning. it HURT. got angry. i ignored it. my body would fight it right? it was closed, red, swollen, by saturday it was purple, swollen, hard, PAAINFUL. but still closed. yesterday, Sunday, it opened up after my shower and started draining itself. time to get it looked at.
i went to the ER near our home, an ER i happen to love, it is quiet, always prompt, they are great with peds cases, and it is SO close to home.
i normally run 97.2-97.4F. ish. i was 99.5, so a bit of a temp for me. not too good. pain jacked up my BP too.
the doc and nurse looks at it, and decides on a course of action, it gets scrubbed with betadine, poked to get numbed, a LOT (OWWW), and then we wait for it to be NUMB, they come back, numb it MORE, and scrub it again. slice it upen, use the spready thingies to open it up and drain out any and all gooeys, rinsed it for a good 5 minutes, then packed it. it was NOT numb enough for the opening scooping, or the packing. did i mention OWWWW? then it was dressed, so was i, and i was sent home. no pain meds. by the time the injected anesthetic wore off i was in bed. i took some excedrin pm and waited for relief to come. it didnt. when i woke i was in writhing pain.
so, kids to nana and papas house, i got dropped at ER (after calling to get advice), PapaBear had to work on his Baja so it doesnt get towed out of the apt parking lot. the Er doc today was so awesome. he was kind and calm. his energy definitely helped me. even when he was poking at it to see if it oozed. lol. i got a script for pain meds, and antibiotics, and was told to yank the packing out on wednesday morning. but if i cant do it, to come in and he will.
this is all because of one asshole spider.
blargh.
but now, painmeds are good, and i am feeling better.
soon, the bus will take me to my children and we will play and relax at nana and papas house til PapaBear is done working on his car and can come get us.
this weekend was NOT a good one.
i went to the ER near our home, an ER i happen to love, it is quiet, always prompt, they are great with peds cases, and it is SO close to home.
i normally run 97.2-97.4F. ish. i was 99.5, so a bit of a temp for me. not too good. pain jacked up my BP too.
the doc and nurse looks at it, and decides on a course of action, it gets scrubbed with betadine, poked to get numbed, a LOT (OWWW), and then we wait for it to be NUMB, they come back, numb it MORE, and scrub it again. slice it upen, use the spready thingies to open it up and drain out any and all gooeys, rinsed it for a good 5 minutes, then packed it. it was NOT numb enough for the opening scooping, or the packing. did i mention OWWWW? then it was dressed, so was i, and i was sent home. no pain meds. by the time the injected anesthetic wore off i was in bed. i took some excedrin pm and waited for relief to come. it didnt. when i woke i was in writhing pain.
so, kids to nana and papas house, i got dropped at ER (after calling to get advice), PapaBear had to work on his Baja so it doesnt get towed out of the apt parking lot. the Er doc today was so awesome. he was kind and calm. his energy definitely helped me. even when he was poking at it to see if it oozed. lol. i got a script for pain meds, and antibiotics, and was told to yank the packing out on wednesday morning. but if i cant do it, to come in and he will.
this is all because of one asshole spider.
blargh.
but now, painmeds are good, and i am feeling better.
soon, the bus will take me to my children and we will play and relax at nana and papas house til PapaBear is done working on his car and can come get us.
this weekend was NOT a good one.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
yays and nays
holy crapballs. two days ago Bean had a FABULOUS big sister day with Bug. She helped her out on the computer, gently guiding her through games they both enjoy. she called Bug over to play with her, and when she saw i was stressed of having Bug climb all over me she said "Bug, come over here and play with me, give mom a break wouldja?" oh it was FABULOUS! my heart soared and i felt for just a moment like a parent of two neuotypical children. that night she lost her 7th tooth. and she was beaming. a GREAT day in our world.
yesterday was our weekly OT session with Bean and her OT. since Nana had a total knee replacement surgery two fridays ago, she was unable to take Bug, so PapaBear and Bug returned jars to the farm where we get our local raw milk (uh, YUM!) and went to the auto parts store to pick up parts he needed for his zombie apocalypse machine, aka his baja. Bean had a joint OT session with another lil girl. who had just turned 8. they both encouraged eachother, and really enjoyed working together through the obstacle courses, climbing, tugging, etc. it was GREAT for Bean to connect with a lil girl so similar to her. made my heart sing.
when we left OT with PapaBear and Bug, both Bug and Bean were CRANKY, and in fine form. screeching, hitting eachother in their seats, Bug trying to get out of her 5pt harness, Bean screaming "shut up bug, i hate you, i want to kill you!" etc. which sets PapaBear off. we ended up making it to the cupcakery my friend opened to devour the most delicious cuppycakes, play candy land, and chill while the weather went from sunny to hailing, and back to sunny.
heading home the girls were still cranky. both screaming for a toy they have wanted for a long time. a toy i wasnt fully copacetic with.
and yet, PapaBear caved. he cant stand to see his babies upset. i also cant stand to see them upset. it breaks my heart. but i hate buying them all of this plastic made in china toxic crap. also, i am not a fan of the toy itself. as the hippie feminista mama of two little girls, it KILLS me to have them play with these dolls all tarted up with oddly skinny disfigured bodies and faces painted up provocatively. despite my feelings on it, he caved and went out and bought these hootchie monsters for them. and they were thrilled. totally excited. for an hour. then, "now i want the beach one" and "this isnt the exact one i wanted, i wanted the one with the pet, not the dance one" they are playing with them still today, but instead of playing together like they were last night, the girls are now staunchly opposed to their dolls being friends. instead they are shouting and screaming and flailing limbs in efforts to inflict as much damage on their sibling as possible.
i am honestly at a loss as to what to do about this sibling crap.
logically i know, if ig et them involved in an activity, together with me, there should be minimal fighting. if i keep them busy, if i take them out on adventures, if i get more involved one on one in their active play, it will lessen the bodily harm they cause to eachother. being a mother with an invisible chronic illness that causes intense pain and extreme fatigue and brain fog makes it really hard to do these things for an extended ammount of time. AND keeping our home picked up, tidy, and even (dare i HOPE?) clean, while engaging them in active play... i would be writhing in pain at the end of the day. but it is almost impossible to find a dr willing to Rx the only meds that help take the edge off the pain. so, i must choose to be a great mom, and at the end of the day writhe and cry, and be unable to move the next day, or... be a semi good enough mom, still be in pain, but not as much, choose my spoons to use, and essentially watch my girls tear their relationship apart, get stressed out, and frustrated.
so, yeah. i feel pretty damned about our whole situation.
how NOT fair is it to not only have an ICI (invisible chronic illness), but also have a special needs child, AND live with two grown men that were not really raised in the first place?
so, life = not fair. time to pull up my big girl panties and keep on keepin on.
yesterday was our weekly OT session with Bean and her OT. since Nana had a total knee replacement surgery two fridays ago, she was unable to take Bug, so PapaBear and Bug returned jars to the farm where we get our local raw milk (uh, YUM!) and went to the auto parts store to pick up parts he needed for his zombie apocalypse machine, aka his baja. Bean had a joint OT session with another lil girl. who had just turned 8. they both encouraged eachother, and really enjoyed working together through the obstacle courses, climbing, tugging, etc. it was GREAT for Bean to connect with a lil girl so similar to her. made my heart sing.
when we left OT with PapaBear and Bug, both Bug and Bean were CRANKY, and in fine form. screeching, hitting eachother in their seats, Bug trying to get out of her 5pt harness, Bean screaming "shut up bug, i hate you, i want to kill you!" etc. which sets PapaBear off. we ended up making it to the cupcakery my friend opened to devour the most delicious cuppycakes, play candy land, and chill while the weather went from sunny to hailing, and back to sunny.
heading home the girls were still cranky. both screaming for a toy they have wanted for a long time. a toy i wasnt fully copacetic with.
and yet, PapaBear caved. he cant stand to see his babies upset. i also cant stand to see them upset. it breaks my heart. but i hate buying them all of this plastic made in china toxic crap. also, i am not a fan of the toy itself. as the hippie feminista mama of two little girls, it KILLS me to have them play with these dolls all tarted up with oddly skinny disfigured bodies and faces painted up provocatively. despite my feelings on it, he caved and went out and bought these hootchie monsters for them. and they were thrilled. totally excited. for an hour. then, "now i want the beach one" and "this isnt the exact one i wanted, i wanted the one with the pet, not the dance one" they are playing with them still today, but instead of playing together like they were last night, the girls are now staunchly opposed to their dolls being friends. instead they are shouting and screaming and flailing limbs in efforts to inflict as much damage on their sibling as possible.
i am honestly at a loss as to what to do about this sibling crap.
logically i know, if ig et them involved in an activity, together with me, there should be minimal fighting. if i keep them busy, if i take them out on adventures, if i get more involved one on one in their active play, it will lessen the bodily harm they cause to eachother. being a mother with an invisible chronic illness that causes intense pain and extreme fatigue and brain fog makes it really hard to do these things for an extended ammount of time. AND keeping our home picked up, tidy, and even (dare i HOPE?) clean, while engaging them in active play... i would be writhing in pain at the end of the day. but it is almost impossible to find a dr willing to Rx the only meds that help take the edge off the pain. so, i must choose to be a great mom, and at the end of the day writhe and cry, and be unable to move the next day, or... be a semi good enough mom, still be in pain, but not as much, choose my spoons to use, and essentially watch my girls tear their relationship apart, get stressed out, and frustrated.
so, yeah. i feel pretty damned about our whole situation.
how NOT fair is it to not only have an ICI (invisible chronic illness), but also have a special needs child, AND live with two grown men that were not really raised in the first place?
so, life = not fair. time to pull up my big girl panties and keep on keepin on.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
shine on!
it is SUNNY!!!! yesterday was so gorgeous out, blue sky, sun shine, the girls played and played, until we had to get ready to leave to play at Nana's with their cousin Flower. Nana just had knee surgery yesterday, a total knee replacement on her left knee, to match her total knee replacement on her right that she had before xmas.
today is really sunny too. absolutely gorgeous. but neither girl has wanted to motivate to head outside. just play dressup, my little pony, dolls, arts and crafts, and laze about. something about the weekend makes people want to chill. even if we dont follow a traditional mon-fri 8-5 week. :)
we are just about to make a giant get well soon card for Nana, and will bring her flowers and hugs.
but in the mean time Bean is stimming on ripping apart the foam that was lining a dress up hat. We are having a very.... out of it... day today with Bean. she is talking manic, and talking at, instead of to or with, people. she is glazed over. these days happen. and we endure.
i could make it all sparkles and unicorns, but to be honest, being her mom is HARD. not just the actual parenting, and being present, and engaging, and making sure her sensory diet is exactly what she needs, etc. someone recently said, on a space for parents of ShinyKids, that as parents, we have this idea in our mind of who our children will be, before they are even born, we have visions of all the things they will do in life, all the milestones they will meet, all the things you will do together, all the fun adventures, and snuggles, and happy sunshine flower farts. and then your child is born, and this little person, is their own individual, and we still hold on to that vision. as they grow, and develop, and become more independent, we see that our visions arent always spot on. this is the case for me. Bean is her own person. she has her own ideas, feelings, plans, and desires. she is not neurotypical. she doesnt meet the same milestones as neurotypical (NT) kids. some she meets earlier, like with her speech, it was EARLY, and now at 6.5 she has a vast vocabulary. language is definitely a strong spot. and she meets some milestones later, or not at all. like, using that amazing vocabulary to express her intense feelings when they happen, instead of lashing out with violence. she is socially awkward. she wants SO much to have friends, for everyone to like her for who she is. but the NT kids just dont get her. she is so bright, and exuberant, she has so much to give a friend. she is loyal to the end, a strong champion for fairness, and has such a strong energy for FUN. and these kids are really missing out on having an amazing friend in her. even though she wont always look at them, or if she does, it is staring. even if her volume is only one level, LOUD, even if she cant do the physically challenging activities that they want to do because of her low muscle tone and weak core, and has fears of falling, tipping, and not having total control of her space in the world. she is an amazing child. truely one of a kind. there is not one single easy moment when it comes to being her mom. as much as i love her, as head over heels in love with the amazing child she is, she isnt the child in the visions and hopes and dreams. and... to be honest... i still grieve. and i am working through it. sometimes when she sleeps i watch her, still and silent on her pillow, dreaming her amazing dreams, calm, at rest, and my heart swells with love, and breaks into a million pieces knowing how hard life is for her now, and how it will be in the future.
my sweet Bean.
Bug has been into doing the OT therapies at home with Bean, so after Bean gets brushed down, and gets "bone crushers" Bug asks for her turn. Bean will stick her nose into pots of scent, and Bug will follow. Bean will go to town on a bowl of flour with hidden beads and gems, and Bug is right next to her, digging in her own bowl for treasures. I think it helps them both. Bug gets to spend time with her big sister that she looks up to, and gets to do these things that big sis does. and Bean gets to feel.... normal. she sees that she isnt the only one that enjoys these things. she has a partner to enjoy these things with her. and that is important.
today is really sunny too. absolutely gorgeous. but neither girl has wanted to motivate to head outside. just play dressup, my little pony, dolls, arts and crafts, and laze about. something about the weekend makes people want to chill. even if we dont follow a traditional mon-fri 8-5 week. :)
we are just about to make a giant get well soon card for Nana, and will bring her flowers and hugs.
but in the mean time Bean is stimming on ripping apart the foam that was lining a dress up hat. We are having a very.... out of it... day today with Bean. she is talking manic, and talking at, instead of to or with, people. she is glazed over. these days happen. and we endure.
i could make it all sparkles and unicorns, but to be honest, being her mom is HARD. not just the actual parenting, and being present, and engaging, and making sure her sensory diet is exactly what she needs, etc. someone recently said, on a space for parents of ShinyKids, that as parents, we have this idea in our mind of who our children will be, before they are even born, we have visions of all the things they will do in life, all the milestones they will meet, all the things you will do together, all the fun adventures, and snuggles, and happy sunshine flower farts. and then your child is born, and this little person, is their own individual, and we still hold on to that vision. as they grow, and develop, and become more independent, we see that our visions arent always spot on. this is the case for me. Bean is her own person. she has her own ideas, feelings, plans, and desires. she is not neurotypical. she doesnt meet the same milestones as neurotypical (NT) kids. some she meets earlier, like with her speech, it was EARLY, and now at 6.5 she has a vast vocabulary. language is definitely a strong spot. and she meets some milestones later, or not at all. like, using that amazing vocabulary to express her intense feelings when they happen, instead of lashing out with violence. she is socially awkward. she wants SO much to have friends, for everyone to like her for who she is. but the NT kids just dont get her. she is so bright, and exuberant, she has so much to give a friend. she is loyal to the end, a strong champion for fairness, and has such a strong energy for FUN. and these kids are really missing out on having an amazing friend in her. even though she wont always look at them, or if she does, it is staring. even if her volume is only one level, LOUD, even if she cant do the physically challenging activities that they want to do because of her low muscle tone and weak core, and has fears of falling, tipping, and not having total control of her space in the world. she is an amazing child. truely one of a kind. there is not one single easy moment when it comes to being her mom. as much as i love her, as head over heels in love with the amazing child she is, she isnt the child in the visions and hopes and dreams. and... to be honest... i still grieve. and i am working through it. sometimes when she sleeps i watch her, still and silent on her pillow, dreaming her amazing dreams, calm, at rest, and my heart swells with love, and breaks into a million pieces knowing how hard life is for her now, and how it will be in the future.
my sweet Bean.
Bug has been into doing the OT therapies at home with Bean, so after Bean gets brushed down, and gets "bone crushers" Bug asks for her turn. Bean will stick her nose into pots of scent, and Bug will follow. Bean will go to town on a bowl of flour with hidden beads and gems, and Bug is right next to her, digging in her own bowl for treasures. I think it helps them both. Bug gets to spend time with her big sister that she looks up to, and gets to do these things that big sis does. and Bean gets to feel.... normal. she sees that she isnt the only one that enjoys these things. she has a partner to enjoy these things with her. and that is important.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
the ick
so for the past week we have been a host to THE ICK. Bug spends time at Nana's house on Wednesdays while Bean has OT, and Bean spends time at Nana's house on Fridays. Some Fridays Nana takes Bean bowling. last Friday when they went, she spent the whole time yawning, and was only wanting to mildly bowl. when she got home at 7pm, she voluntarily headed straight for her bed and went to sleep almost immediately. by morning she had a fever, was full of mucus in her upper respiratory area, and was achy. My big girl was SICK. She spent the next two days wanting only to lay in her bed, and watch TV, or play on the ipad. She wasn't bouncing around, running up and down the hall and living room of our small apartment. Essentially, it really worried me. Cause normally this kid cant sit still. ever. even when she is sitting, she is wiggling, or seeking out other sensory input. so, sad panda.
Then, Bug started getting a fever, just as Bean's fever was starting to break. the mucus started flowing, followed by a cough, that they now both shared. LOTS of nose blowing happening! Bug got more snuggly, and Bean even asked for hugs and snuggles too, a BIG difference from her normal hands off status.
then... i felt tired. REALLY tired. ended up taking an impromptu nap on the couch with Bug for 3 hours on Monday night. when i woke up, i had a raging fever, mucus, and a mild cough, after a full night of tossing and turning, sweats, chills, aches, coughing, snorgling my boogies, and helping the girls with their similar symptoms, i woke up feeling like death warmed over. i spent the day on the couch, only rising to wipe a butt, or feed a mouth. by 2 i was ready for PapaBear to come home. but he was at his first day of classes for the semester. he had to attend all classes, at least to get each syllabus. so he was unable to come home before 6:30pm.
i spent the night in bed, and most of wednesday/yesterday. last night my fever finally broke for good. i hope. but PapaBear started feeling it. He went to classes today, but i am sure he is going to feel like shit when he gets home.
a bit of PapaBear history. his mother had Huntingtons. She spent her last decade in bed. the last few of those years unable to speak more than a word or two a day. needing round the clock care. She died when Bean was 15mo old. for most of the last few years BIL was her sole care provider. In their childhood they were abused and neglected, they were the stinky kids. the kids playing in the snow in shorts and flip flops because no one encouraged them or provided for them to wear warm clothing. The state services came and investigated. MANY times. but never did anything. not once. as they got older, (like 7 and 9) all the housekeeping, food making, and care was plopped on them. their step father ended up going blind, and when PapaBear was away at JobCorp he died in a care home. So when their mom started getting much worse, they rejected the idea of a care home. choosing instead to care for her themselves. unfortunately the apartment they had lived in for 17 years, was run by a slum lord, had a ton of cats, and both of the guys were on burn out. BIL was being paid to care for her, through the state and senior services. and they even had a case worker come out once a month. and NO ONE, not one single person ever stepped in and pulled her from that situation. no one offered any more help other than helping her bathe once a week, and a haircut every two months. and the occasional box of food from a local church. it was BAD. when DH and i married we moved an hour away from BIL and MIL. then i realized, he has PTSD about dealing with sick people. so when anyone around him gets sick, he gets bitter. and angry, and spiteful. and i dont blame him. i cant. he is a product of his environment.
but that doesnt mean i like it.
and it doesnt make the reactions ok.
he needs help getting through these traumas he has suffered through at the hands of his family.
and that help is going to come in therapy form. if only we could get him into a good therapist.
Bean is getting some of her energy back. She has been setting up her "living room" in the living room. she has a little pop-up play tent that she uses to take space, while still being in the same space as everyone else. it helps her a TON. and she has even been encouraging Bug to play with her. so YAY.
this morning she had an explosion. a big one. tried to punch my face, got in my face and screamed "you idiot mom! i hate you. i want to kill you. i want you dead! idiot mom!" please keep in mind she has NEVER heard another person talk to anyone else like that. ever. EVER. this all comes from inside her own being. it hurts. it cuts me down to my core. and it triggers all sorts of feelings for me.
when i was her age, i was almost the exact same way. i HATED my sister. and i was volatile and explosive. i screamed at my mom, in the same ways. and i can see myself in her. and it hurts. because i still havent forgiven my childhood self for hurting those that i love. so while i can empathize, it doesnt make it easier.
and Bug has just been a little trooper this week. she has always been super snuggly, and has wanted more snuggles, but hasnt moaned once about how crappy she feels, even though her boogers are thick and flowing, and her cough is icky. funny how the 3.5yo handles this ick better than the rest of us.
this week we are starting a chart. since Bean is reluctant to do OT therapies at home, especially those she finds unsavory, we are going to have a list of therapies like heavy work, etc that she can choose from. and for every one she does she gets a sticker on her chart. for every sicker she gets, she can pick a youtube video to watch at bedtime on the ipad on her bed. i am a strong beleiver in no punishments and no rewards, but, i think in this case, it will be incredibly beneficial. it will help her do the therapies she needs to help her feel centered. she will eventually learn to use these therapies to self regulate. something that she is not yet able to do, inspite of the OT once a week.
i am also creating a daily and weekly schedule for myself, with cleaning, and OTAH (OT at home) reminders for ME. and family time, OT, PapaBear's classes, Nana days, etc on the weekly schedule, for all of us.
i am really hoping these things help us.
Then, Bug started getting a fever, just as Bean's fever was starting to break. the mucus started flowing, followed by a cough, that they now both shared. LOTS of nose blowing happening! Bug got more snuggly, and Bean even asked for hugs and snuggles too, a BIG difference from her normal hands off status.
then... i felt tired. REALLY tired. ended up taking an impromptu nap on the couch with Bug for 3 hours on Monday night. when i woke up, i had a raging fever, mucus, and a mild cough, after a full night of tossing and turning, sweats, chills, aches, coughing, snorgling my boogies, and helping the girls with their similar symptoms, i woke up feeling like death warmed over. i spent the day on the couch, only rising to wipe a butt, or feed a mouth. by 2 i was ready for PapaBear to come home. but he was at his first day of classes for the semester. he had to attend all classes, at least to get each syllabus. so he was unable to come home before 6:30pm.
i spent the night in bed, and most of wednesday/yesterday. last night my fever finally broke for good. i hope. but PapaBear started feeling it. He went to classes today, but i am sure he is going to feel like shit when he gets home.
a bit of PapaBear history. his mother had Huntingtons. She spent her last decade in bed. the last few of those years unable to speak more than a word or two a day. needing round the clock care. She died when Bean was 15mo old. for most of the last few years BIL was her sole care provider. In their childhood they were abused and neglected, they were the stinky kids. the kids playing in the snow in shorts and flip flops because no one encouraged them or provided for them to wear warm clothing. The state services came and investigated. MANY times. but never did anything. not once. as they got older, (like 7 and 9) all the housekeeping, food making, and care was plopped on them. their step father ended up going blind, and when PapaBear was away at JobCorp he died in a care home. So when their mom started getting much worse, they rejected the idea of a care home. choosing instead to care for her themselves. unfortunately the apartment they had lived in for 17 years, was run by a slum lord, had a ton of cats, and both of the guys were on burn out. BIL was being paid to care for her, through the state and senior services. and they even had a case worker come out once a month. and NO ONE, not one single person ever stepped in and pulled her from that situation. no one offered any more help other than helping her bathe once a week, and a haircut every two months. and the occasional box of food from a local church. it was BAD. when DH and i married we moved an hour away from BIL and MIL. then i realized, he has PTSD about dealing with sick people. so when anyone around him gets sick, he gets bitter. and angry, and spiteful. and i dont blame him. i cant. he is a product of his environment.
but that doesnt mean i like it.
and it doesnt make the reactions ok.
he needs help getting through these traumas he has suffered through at the hands of his family.
and that help is going to come in therapy form. if only we could get him into a good therapist.
Bean is getting some of her energy back. She has been setting up her "living room" in the living room. she has a little pop-up play tent that she uses to take space, while still being in the same space as everyone else. it helps her a TON. and she has even been encouraging Bug to play with her. so YAY.
this morning she had an explosion. a big one. tried to punch my face, got in my face and screamed "you idiot mom! i hate you. i want to kill you. i want you dead! idiot mom!" please keep in mind she has NEVER heard another person talk to anyone else like that. ever. EVER. this all comes from inside her own being. it hurts. it cuts me down to my core. and it triggers all sorts of feelings for me.
when i was her age, i was almost the exact same way. i HATED my sister. and i was volatile and explosive. i screamed at my mom, in the same ways. and i can see myself in her. and it hurts. because i still havent forgiven my childhood self for hurting those that i love. so while i can empathize, it doesnt make it easier.
and Bug has just been a little trooper this week. she has always been super snuggly, and has wanted more snuggles, but hasnt moaned once about how crappy she feels, even though her boogers are thick and flowing, and her cough is icky. funny how the 3.5yo handles this ick better than the rest of us.
this week we are starting a chart. since Bean is reluctant to do OT therapies at home, especially those she finds unsavory, we are going to have a list of therapies like heavy work, etc that she can choose from. and for every one she does she gets a sticker on her chart. for every sicker she gets, she can pick a youtube video to watch at bedtime on the ipad on her bed. i am a strong beleiver in no punishments and no rewards, but, i think in this case, it will be incredibly beneficial. it will help her do the therapies she needs to help her feel centered. she will eventually learn to use these therapies to self regulate. something that she is not yet able to do, inspite of the OT once a week.
i am also creating a daily and weekly schedule for myself, with cleaning, and OTAH (OT at home) reminders for ME. and family time, OT, PapaBear's classes, Nana days, etc on the weekly schedule, for all of us.
i am really hoping these things help us.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
this is us
a bit about our home.
There is PapaBear, a welder, artist, geek, almost 30, Taurus. Comes from a tough childhood of abuse and neglect. Diagnosed with Bipolar II at 28. Working hard to be a less controlling person.
There is Bug, 3, almost 4. this is very important information. :o) Bug is the little sister. Bug is, as far as we can tell, neurotypical. In Fact, Bug, is a very very typical 3, almost 4 year old little girl. She is bright, and funny. She is sassy, and snuggly. She makes everyone laugh, and has a smile and a hug for all she holds close to her. Piss her off, and watch out! She is a very Leo little girl. Bug is the baby of the family.
There is Bean, 6, almost 7 in July, as she would tell you. 7 is very grown up, dontcha know? Bean has the official written in stone diagnoses of SPD (sensory processing disorder), and ADHD. She has loose, non official, but talked about, and researched, diagnoses of Aspergers, and JBPD (juvenile bipolar disorder). She attends weekly OT (occupational therapy) to help her with her sensory issues. Bean is brilliantly smart. She is incredibly funny. She has such a strong energy. Bean is a Cancer through and through. She is my first born baby.
Then there is me, MamaBear. i am almost 29, also a Taurus. I came from a kind and gentle mom who supported me though everything, and a father with anger issues. he was a yeller. a screamer, a rager. he never physically abused us. but there was definitely moments of emotional abuse/neglect from him. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II at the age of 12. spent many years switching back and forth between meds to find just the right one. As many people with Bipolar do, I went off meds. for quite a few years. When my youngest was a little over a year old i went back on meds. I dont like relying on medicine to help me be a stable member of society, a good mom and wife, and daughter. But i take it. because i DO like feeling stable. i DO like knowing that i can be that person for my family. I also have Fibromyalgia, for which i take prescription anti inflamatories, and herbal medicine. But really, nothing helps enough for me to function at optimum level.
also living with us is BIL (brother in law). He is in his early 30's. going to school for computer stuff. same childhood as PapaBear.
We are an Unschooling family. I am a big big big believer in connected parenting, non violent communication, genital integrity for all, attachment parenting (baby wearing, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, following babies/childrens cues, etc), and human milk for human babies. I am a birth junky, and a peer counselor through NMC of Oregon. I strive to use only natural eco-friendly body and home products. we try hard to Reduce, Reuse, Recycle as much as possible. I am a big time hippie at heart.
my purpose of this blog is to record our daily life with bipolar, non neurotypical children, parenting, partnering, and... well, life.
There is PapaBear, a welder, artist, geek, almost 30, Taurus. Comes from a tough childhood of abuse and neglect. Diagnosed with Bipolar II at 28. Working hard to be a less controlling person.
There is Bug, 3, almost 4. this is very important information. :o) Bug is the little sister. Bug is, as far as we can tell, neurotypical. In Fact, Bug, is a very very typical 3, almost 4 year old little girl. She is bright, and funny. She is sassy, and snuggly. She makes everyone laugh, and has a smile and a hug for all she holds close to her. Piss her off, and watch out! She is a very Leo little girl. Bug is the baby of the family.
There is Bean, 6, almost 7 in July, as she would tell you. 7 is very grown up, dontcha know? Bean has the official written in stone diagnoses of SPD (sensory processing disorder), and ADHD. She has loose, non official, but talked about, and researched, diagnoses of Aspergers, and JBPD (juvenile bipolar disorder). She attends weekly OT (occupational therapy) to help her with her sensory issues. Bean is brilliantly smart. She is incredibly funny. She has such a strong energy. Bean is a Cancer through and through. She is my first born baby.
Then there is me, MamaBear. i am almost 29, also a Taurus. I came from a kind and gentle mom who supported me though everything, and a father with anger issues. he was a yeller. a screamer, a rager. he never physically abused us. but there was definitely moments of emotional abuse/neglect from him. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II at the age of 12. spent many years switching back and forth between meds to find just the right one. As many people with Bipolar do, I went off meds. for quite a few years. When my youngest was a little over a year old i went back on meds. I dont like relying on medicine to help me be a stable member of society, a good mom and wife, and daughter. But i take it. because i DO like feeling stable. i DO like knowing that i can be that person for my family. I also have Fibromyalgia, for which i take prescription anti inflamatories, and herbal medicine. But really, nothing helps enough for me to function at optimum level.
also living with us is BIL (brother in law). He is in his early 30's. going to school for computer stuff. same childhood as PapaBear.
We are an Unschooling family. I am a big big big believer in connected parenting, non violent communication, genital integrity for all, attachment parenting (baby wearing, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, following babies/childrens cues, etc), and human milk for human babies. I am a birth junky, and a peer counselor through NMC of Oregon. I strive to use only natural eco-friendly body and home products. we try hard to Reduce, Reuse, Recycle as much as possible. I am a big time hippie at heart.
my purpose of this blog is to record our daily life with bipolar, non neurotypical children, parenting, partnering, and... well, life.
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