holy crapballs. two days ago Bean had a FABULOUS big sister day with Bug. She helped her out on the computer, gently guiding her through games they both enjoy. she called Bug over to play with her, and when she saw i was stressed of having Bug climb all over me she said "Bug, come over here and play with me, give mom a break wouldja?" oh it was FABULOUS! my heart soared and i felt for just a moment like a parent of two neuotypical children. that night she lost her 7th tooth. and she was beaming. a GREAT day in our world.
yesterday was our weekly OT session with Bean and her OT. since Nana had a total knee replacement surgery two fridays ago, she was unable to take Bug, so PapaBear and Bug returned jars to the farm where we get our local raw milk (uh, YUM!) and went to the auto parts store to pick up parts he needed for his zombie apocalypse machine, aka his baja. Bean had a joint OT session with another lil girl. who had just turned 8. they both encouraged eachother, and really enjoyed working together through the obstacle courses, climbing, tugging, etc. it was GREAT for Bean to connect with a lil girl so similar to her. made my heart sing.
when we left OT with PapaBear and Bug, both Bug and Bean were CRANKY, and in fine form. screeching, hitting eachother in their seats, Bug trying to get out of her 5pt harness, Bean screaming "shut up bug, i hate you, i want to kill you!" etc. which sets PapaBear off. we ended up making it to the cupcakery my friend opened to devour the most delicious cuppycakes, play candy land, and chill while the weather went from sunny to hailing, and back to sunny.
heading home the girls were still cranky. both screaming for a toy they have wanted for a long time. a toy i wasnt fully copacetic with.
and yet, PapaBear caved. he cant stand to see his babies upset. i also cant stand to see them upset. it breaks my heart. but i hate buying them all of this plastic made in china toxic crap. also, i am not a fan of the toy itself. as the hippie feminista mama of two little girls, it KILLS me to have them play with these dolls all tarted up with oddly skinny disfigured bodies and faces painted up provocatively. despite my feelings on it, he caved and went out and bought these hootchie monsters for them. and they were thrilled. totally excited. for an hour. then, "now i want the beach one" and "this isnt the exact one i wanted, i wanted the one with the pet, not the dance one" they are playing with them still today, but instead of playing together like they were last night, the girls are now staunchly opposed to their dolls being friends. instead they are shouting and screaming and flailing limbs in efforts to inflict as much damage on their sibling as possible.
i am honestly at a loss as to what to do about this sibling crap.
logically i know, if ig et them involved in an activity, together with me, there should be minimal fighting. if i keep them busy, if i take them out on adventures, if i get more involved one on one in their active play, it will lessen the bodily harm they cause to eachother. being a mother with an invisible chronic illness that causes intense pain and extreme fatigue and brain fog makes it really hard to do these things for an extended ammount of time. AND keeping our home picked up, tidy, and even (dare i HOPE?) clean, while engaging them in active play... i would be writhing in pain at the end of the day. but it is almost impossible to find a dr willing to Rx the only meds that help take the edge off the pain. so, i must choose to be a great mom, and at the end of the day writhe and cry, and be unable to move the next day, or... be a semi good enough mom, still be in pain, but not as much, choose my spoons to use, and essentially watch my girls tear their relationship apart, get stressed out, and frustrated.
so, yeah. i feel pretty damned about our whole situation.
how NOT fair is it to not only have an ICI (invisible chronic illness), but also have a special needs child, AND live with two grown men that were not really raised in the first place?
so, life = not fair. time to pull up my big girl panties and keep on keepin on.
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